Should I relax?

Ah and so the days to Deutschland are soon approaching.  I think I need a cigarette and a strong drink…or both.  Given the lack of smoking and my constant sobriety, take it as a sign of stress and panic.  Hopefully my visa is ready…if it exists at all.  Hopefully I won’t break another limb.  That’s a thought.  Bye-bye right arm.  As if I needed you anyway.

I’m working this last week.  Think about that.  “Working” is merely sitting in the editing room adding my two cents to the CPTV edit of “Voices in Conflict.”  I’ve got mixed feelings about it, I’m sad to say.  I think I’m numb to it now.  Not because I’ve been with the production since March 2007.  I think I still see things in it and now I’m seeing things I’m forcing myself to ignore.  The imperfections stand out to me, nag at me.  Maybe it’s a good thing I’m heading to Germany.  It’s a sad thought to the first thing broadcast piece I’ve worked on will be aired when I’m out of the country.

Maybe I just can’t stand the fact that I’m such a weakling.  Oh, here’s my bouncy little façade and for the past few weeks I’ve been doing nothing but bashing my head against the wall with frustration.  Should I double check everything for Germany?  Probably, but I won’t.  Should I be more on top of these edits outside of studio?  Sure, but I can’t get motivated.  I can’t stay up that late after what I’ve considered necessity visits to friends before I leave.  I haven’t packed, my room isn’t clean and I’m just plain unsettled about leaving.  I didn’t expect to be like this.  I still I’m excited though.  I hope so.  The strange and unfortunate thing nagging at me more than anything lately, I suppose has been admitting truth to myself.  I’m in a tunnel insecurity at the moment and I’m unmotivated, feeling unattractive, and just feeling plain lonely.  I fucking hate it.  Fuck you, personality, for making me believe I’m so strong and for convincing everyone else that.  Damn you!  I refuse the internet love sites and craigslist.  No thanks, I’m good.  Imagine it though.

Name: Jill

Age: 20

Body: Um..stout?

Hair: Brown

Ethnicity: Jewsian (oh and don’t give me this “Jew is not an ethnicity” thing.  It’s not a Nazi point of view.  There are just some features that look Jewish.)

Personality: Flawed

I don’t know.  Sad thought when the consideration passes your mind.  Honestly. 

So with imaginary drink in hand: a toast.  Here’s to finding sanity and continuing to bury my insecurities by saying, “No, really I’m fine without a special someone.  Look!  I’m happy, right?  Don’t I look happy the way I jump around?” and hoping that Germany will be ok.  Here’s to finishing the edit.  And here’s to finding distractions.